There is a moment at the end

When I am walking

When I am all by myself

and when my eyes

are fixed on something beautiful.

 

I take a deep breath

and exhale.

Pressures off.

I’m finished.

 

Song: I love you Lord (Live) (Phil Wickham)

 

This day didn’t start how I like them to.

My heart was turned the wrong way.

So, for most of the morning I couldn’t really see you.

My guilt blocked you from my sight

 

Now I am sitting here

with this pain in my stomach

slouched and sad

missing the joy that overflows

What do I tell myself? How do I shake the continual downcast part that steals the desire to try.

All I can do is say out loud: God I am here. Find me as I am all I want is to be yours. This moment is not greater than you. And as your Holy Spirit overcomes You have taken me as I am and you will continue to love every part of me. You use all things Lord; the good, the bad and the tremendously ugly. I love you. I pour out all that I am, I expose my whole heart to you. This is what is truth. I am loved by you more then I will ever fathom.

No more crying, no more pain. In that place will I know your love for me?

But even through pain and tears I will believe in your love for me.

I’m focused on the words I write not on your face and I need to make another sentence happen while your telling me to just quiet my mind. Stop.

 

In your presence there is no sin.

In your presence their is healing.

In your presence there is no limit to what can happen.

In your presence fear is cast out.

In your presence our weakness is strength.

In your presence you call beauty from ashes.

You call me into your presence

You call me redeemed, healed, miracle, fearless, strong and beautiful.

 

I pray that these words are light into your heart. Whatever dark place the enemy has lead you to you don’t have to follow him anymore. God is calling you back to His presence. He is the light and in the light darkness cannot exist.

I know that you are tired, and that the ache seems too much for you to manage.

So don’t. Surrender it. Ask Him how and then do what He says, over and over if you have to.

Song: No Fear in Love (Steffany Gretzinger)

Ashes from the fire

Soot in my mouth

Smudge on my cheeks

A woman is screaming

But the dry bones

Lay lifeless.

The spirit whispers

It calls to the dry bones

And they rise

And they breathe

And they are called

White as snow.

She fought for me

Labor and life

Life and rebirth

She fights for me

In the light

I can see her now.

She is Beauty.

For My Mama

Song to Soak: Slow down (Nicole Nordeman)

Early in the morning all I want to do is head to my kitchen pop in a k-cup, and then head to the living room to switch on the heater. Our one bedroom apartment is cold and drafty with creaky hardwood floors. Perfect for snuggling, but torture for a person who tends to run cold, like myself.

Once my coffee is brewed, I add a quick pour of cashew or almond milk and I sink into my secret place. Time in the word, worship songs, or just silent meditation is how I long to start each day. It just washes away all the worry or frustration I seem to wake up with.

One particular morning I received an early morning text from my little sister. She was asking me if I would be interested in going to look at a potential new living space with her. My little sister had just recently gone through a rigorous job interview process and was offered a position paying triple what I make in a year, not to mention a welcoming signing bonus. She was making some adjustments to her lifestyle as a result. My sister more than deserved the job and they pay, she has spent years working through college as a single mom. I am elated for her. But that day, I felt a small seed of “well, if I had that money…” and not the good kind of “well, if I had that money…”

I informed her that I was working the day she was going to check out the new Digs and I would be happy to go with her a different day if possible. She texted me also that she would love for me to see her new car…

You can imagine what came next. Vile thoughts of jealousy ran through my mind. My sister, who I love was and is becoming successful. She is making a life for herself and for her son. She loves the Lord and worships through amazing outlets like paintings and passionate discussions of creation and the universe. She offers counsel to me when I feel overwhelmed and over the years we have grown a friendship I never saw coming. We have both faced trials and find common ground at the foot of the cross. And yet, this day, I was willing to, if even just for a moment, look at the provision God has given her and call her unworthy. Or maybe just consider myself more deserving of it.

After a few moments of this, I walked into my bedroom to find my husband just waking up. I think he must have seen something on my face because he began to ask questions. I told him about my sister and that I was battling some pretty grimy thoughts about what she and I had been texting about. As soon as I had finished my confession, a thought and quickly a phrase came out of my mouth. “Let’s talk about the promises of God.” My husband agreed and instead of focusing on my sister’s life we focused on who He was. It seemed to just flow out of us.

“He loves us, and nothing can separate us from His love”

“He is Sovereign over all things”

“He is our provider”

“He knows the desires of our hearts”

“He formed us, unique and with intention”

“In my weakness He is so Strong”

All of the sudden I felt a smile, an uncontrollable smile on my face. I was free.

 

Whenever I am face to face with jealousy, gossip, bitterness, or fear my new response is to try to remember to speak aloud the promises of God. They renew my mind, they bring healing, and I feel safe and cared for. Knowing the truth about Him is all I need. Living a life that reflects that belief is exactly what He asks of me. He calls us to be his witnesses. What a simple but not so easy way to walk through life.

To my little sister, I am so proud of you, and I love talking with you about the promises of God.

Song: Own Me (Ginny Owens)

Why does the question of identity ring through my mind again and again?  Even after defining moments; birth, spiritual re-birth, or marriage. Of course I know I am a daughter, a christian and wife.. someday I will be a mom. But none of these significant titles stand up to the daunting giant; Identity.